I think we're gonna need security.

Everything needs a password these days.

Sign up for this, scan a retina for that. You can't even pay a bill online or look up an ex-girlfriend's tax assessments anymore, without having to sign up for some account. Obssessive internet spying on someone else is no longer convenient for ego reassurances at 2am these days, it's just gotten to be a downright intrusion of my privacy. I mean, how rude for a site to ask me for my own personal information, when all I wanted to do was annonymously troll through the Facebook entry of that girl at the Long John Silver's drive-thru.

And then I have to remember the passwords.

And I forget them just like Lindsey Lohan done forgot her drawers on the cover of 'New Yorker.' So you go through the lame security question list, and your password gets emailed. But those questions are way too easy. I run my mouth alot, and anyone who listens to my non-sequiter ramblings can nod attentively to me and smile without actual comprehension, and still get on the old 'puter and guess the answer to a rudimentary verification of "Your Mother's Maiden name is...", or "What was the name of the dog your dad actually buried in the backyard, but always maintained she went upstate to run free with horses at a puppy farm?"

Before you know it, your Directv bill is full of unauthorized Adult fare, like "No Humping for Old Men." Great.

Let's be more safer out there. We need good questions. More gooder questions. I propose 'Moment Of Truth' - like security questions. Questions that really matter...ones only you would know. Like:

• "What was the name of that Junior High Cheerleader you got all tingley feeling'd for?"
  
  ...who was two years older than you, that you always forgot to avert your eyes when she and her dumb quarterback boyfriend came out of Choir, because he always had his hand under her skirt and spankies, and he told you he would punch you in the fecking nose, you bowl-haircut geek - it's obvious what you're thinking about her, because you wear thin pants.

• "Who was that judgemental bitch you got all bent out of shape for?"
  
  ...and made you buy her a new mattress just because you woke up wetting her bed? Age ain't nothin' but a number, and accidents will happen. And that's what she gets for wanting to just be friends and sleep head to toe, too.

• "What were you drinking?"
  
  ...that time when you woke up, drunk off your fecking arse, and you threw up granola and grilled cheese all over that baby? Shite, that was a fecked up Sunday Morning service.

I mean, really. Be truthful. Ask yourselves the hard questions. And you'll find the answers. Maybe it's a shame on you for having those answers in the first place. But you being a socially subversive miscreant makes your little corner of the world a safer place. I think.