Do you understand the words that are coming out of my mouth?

I'm not a Southerner, but I play one in my extended family. Long southern dinners usually turn into long southern after-dinner conversations. And once the sweet tea gets a'flowing, well...even being a Northerner, you get around some good people and even my voice gets a little gruffer. Smokey drawls and "y'all's" ensues. And ma words start fixin' ta gittin' cut off.

Long ago, I commited to writing down some sayings I've heard from my father-in-law, but of course, only recently started doing so - Procrastinator Extrordinaire that I am (and no, that doesn't mean "pretty boy"). You might say I been "slower than Grandma in the bathroom when I'm tryin' to go out on Saturday night."

So for posterity's sake (and a reason to post a blog entry) here are a few I've had the pleasure to be told over the years. Feel free to drop them into any normal conversation, meeting, group presentation, or Sunday Mom call. From what I understand, usage is a fine art. And you can't just spout 'em on demand for the amusement of boys from the wrong side of the river. They have to just flow eloquently. Which is a fancy pants word by itself any way, and shouldn't be used by any self respecting Southerner. I f it's a word ya can't spell, then ya don't need'ta be sayin' it.

Hopefully, these are legacy-worthy to pass down to another generation. (Queen's English versions are all mine - because it's more ironic that way.)

• "Can't hit a bull in the arse with a bass fiddle."
• "Shakin' like a dog shiteing peach seeds." (Alt: "Shakin' like a cat shiteing razor blades.")
• "Hotter than a three-p*ckered billy goat."
• "Hotter than a whore on nickel night."
• "Slicker than a greased minnow's d*ck."
• "Colder than a well digger's arse." (Alt: "Colder than a witch's teet.")
• "Busier than a one-armed paper hanger on a windy day."
• "Busier than a one-legged man in an arse-kicking contest."
• "Can't drive a sharp stick up a cow's arse with both hands."
• "Went over like a fart in church."
• "Cuter than a speckled pup."
• "That ain't worth a 'kiss my arse.' "
• "(That) smells like arseholes and Fritos."
• "Tighter than five virgins in a Volkswagon."
• "(He) caught a case of the red arse." (Meaning, angry or worked up.)
• "Dummer than rock salt." (Spelling is intentional, and you gotta say it that way.)
• "Dumber than a box of two-year old animal crackers." (My Grandfather gets credit for this one.)
• "Drier than a popcorn fart."
• "I'm gonna hit you so hard it'll knock your d*ck stiff."
• "You and me are gonna go outside and tangle in the gravel."
• "(He's) 10 pounds of shite in a 5 pound sack."
• "Slower than smoke off dog shite." (Not sure where I heard this one, but it's a great visual.)
• "He wouldn't say shite if he had a mouth full of it."

Good people. Metaphors. Similes. Double entendre. I live for this stuff.